Thursday, March 6, 2014

Lunch Fail

I would like to start by apologizing to all my friends who had kids before me.  Every time you showed up to something late, I secretly judged you.  I didn't get it.  Now I get it.  Today I experienced an epic fail at lunch.  First off, for those of you who do not have kids, getting ready for anything is a challenge. It previously took me 30 minutes to get ready to go anywhere, an hour if I was getting fancy and washing my hair.  Now it takes 3 hours.  3 hours to go out in public between nursing, burping, changing, showering, nursing again, etc. etc. etc.  Today was no different.

I actually felt like I was doing well.  I woke up early to shower and get ready so I wouldn't have to be rushing before lunch.  I am getting ready to walk out the door so I put Zoe down on her activity mat while I go to grab her diaper bag and load up the car.  I am not even gone 2 minutes when I go to pick up Zoe to find a special surprise.  Somehow she had managed to throw up and get it all over her hair.  Her head was matted down with white spit up everywhere.  How is this even possible?  She can't even lift her head up, so how did she throw up and then rub her head all in it?  I didn't have time to wonder about such questions because I was already running late.  Like any good mom, I did not feel like stripping off all of her clothes to give her a proper bath, so I stuck her head under the sink faucet, gave it a quick shampooing and toweled it off while heading towards the car.

I get to my destination without any trace of our episode on Zoe.  Her hair looked nice and fluffy and she was fast asleep in the car seat.  Maybe lunch won't be so bad.  I was meeting my old co-workers at a trendy restaurant in St. Pete.  This was not a kid friendly restaurant.  I wasn't worried about it because my little side kick is young enough to not cause a scene.  She doesn't typically cry or get fussy unless she is hungry and I know her cues so I can stop it before it gets bad.  I can still be one of the 'ladies who lunch' and eat my $15 salad in peace, baby or no baby.  Or so I thought...

We all ordered our lunch and enjoyed pleasant conversation while Zoe peacefully slept.  Then our food arrived.  I have been looking forward to this meal.  I pick up my sandwich to take my first bite when it happened.  Zoe decided it was her turn to eat.  I whipped up a bottle and fed her, staring at my uneaten meal while everyone else blissfully enjoyed their food.  When she was finished with her delicious meal of 100% organic hormone free breast milk, I burped her and laid her back down so I could get back to my meal.  I take another bite and look over to my perfect baby girl because she was coughing.  All of a sudden, she has milk coming out of everywhere.  She was coughing it up through her mouth while it was simultaneously pouring through her nose.  This has NEVER happened before.  I grab her burp cloth and wipe her face and throw her over my shoulder to try burping her again.  I am patting her back when I notice there is a stain on the back of her shirt.  A big yellow stain.  So I lifted up her shirt to see the cause and there it was.  Her entire back was covered in shit.  She had pooped through her diaper.  Awesome.

I quickly covered my shit and milk covered child in her swaddle and took her to the restroom to clean her up.  As I mentioned before, this was not a kid friendly restaurant.  So this means the restroom did not cater to moms... at all.  There wasn't a changing table, let alone even counter space near the sink for me to prop her up on.  So I did what I had to do.  I went into the handicap stall, plopped down Indian style on the bathroom floor and whipped out my plastic portable changing pad.  I sat on a public bathroom floor with my newborn cleaning her entire body because the poop made its way in every nook of her cute little body, changed her diaper and put on a fresh outfit.

I walked out and rejoined my group who were all finished with their meals, had left overs in to go boxes and had gotten and paid their checks.  And there was my food, barely touched, still waiting on me.  I put my clean girl back in her carrier and scarfed down my food before I left.  I left that restaurant, not fully satisfied since I didn't get to really enjoy my meal and with a little less dignity.  My saving grace is that Zoe is really cute so people light up when they see her.  But I had a realization.  My life will never be the same.  If I want to go out in public to eat, I will now need to go to kid friendly establishments or will need to find a babysitter.  Does this mean I have to trade my duck confit salad served over red oak leaf lettuce with a house made grainy mustard dressing for boneless buffalo wings served with Kraft Ranch at Chilis?  Or do I need to be banished to eat all my meals at home until Zoe is 15 and old enough to be left alone at home?  I don't want to be 'that girl' at the restaurant that everyone stares at and is secretly judging in their own heads thinking
'why would she bring her baby here?'  While I don't know what I will be doing yet, what I do know is while I am typing this, she is curled up on my chest making a sweet sound of contentment as she sleeps and it just makes me melt.  I will take 100 blow outs and embarrassing moments for these moments that make it all worth it.


  1. LOL - Poor Zoe! At least she won't remember this when she's older.

  2. This blog will be her reminder when she is older. :)